Gary had always felt like he was overly emotional. His wife Judith was the only person with whom he shared his fears and vulnerabilities. In fact, she was the only one who knew about his history of sexual abuse. He didn’t dare show sadness or grief among his male friends for fear of endless mocking.

All of his life Gary felt that he had to adhere to the belief that “boys don’t cry�. Being a man meant keeping a “stiff upper lip� under any circumstances.

What is True Masculinity?

True Masculinity is being able to honor your emotions as an ever-changing truth. You work with feeling states in healthy way and keep your critical thinking intact, with no apologies.

It’s difficult enough for a man to express his emotions but even more complicated when you’ve been sexually abused. The intense shame around disclosing your abuse is at odds with how you think a man should handle his personal history.

“It’s in the past. I should just move on.�

This kind of thinking is the end result of how the subject of males being sexually abused has become extremely taboo. In many people’s minds, sexual abuse of boys and men doesn’t exist. It just doesn’t happen. Even as some celebrity figures have come out about their abuse (Oprah, Tori Amos), none of them are men.

There are no well known role models for how a healthy adult male survivor can thrive and live out his dreams regardless of his history. Add to that the pressure of always having to “hold it together�, be strong and mainly relate to your male friends through biting humor and you have a recipe for repression.

Why does a history of sexual abuse cause you to feel emasculated?

Do you relate to any of the following beliefs?

*Men are supposed to be strong and keep it together no matter the situation.
*Showing emotions means you are weak.
*Life isn’t a bowl of cherries. Sometimes you’re handed a dud. Deal with it.
*Stop being so sensitive. Life isn’t fair.

Whether or not you believe these statements are true, they are pervasive within our society. For the most part the media, school, our peer group and our culture have engrained a specific acceptable formula for being a man. Most men feel that they can only share intimacy with their significant other. Even with their closest friends the most intimate subjects stay shelved.

For most men, the idea of showing emotions is akin to being the central character in your own horror movie. The idea of exposure is terrifying.

When a man has experienced sexual abuse (at any age) it can feel as if a piece of his manhood was taken from him. A power play was set in motion by the perpetrator to keep the victim weak. This feeling of weakness can show up later as negative feeling states such as self-loathing and depression.

Society’s example of the macho, tough-as-nails man only furthers this sense of isolation and need to try to “be a man� despite your true inclinations.

What are some methods to help reclaim my Masculinity?

1. Write the word Masculine at the top of a blank sheet of paper. Make a list of all the adjectives that you think describe masculinity. Don’t think about it too much. Let your mind go and free write as much as possible. Then make a list of men you know, either personally or famous, that fit this profile.

Next write the word Hero on a separate piece of paper and repeat the steps outlined above. Adjectives first and then men you think fit the profile. Are they the same, different, not sure? See what happens.

2. In your mind choose the man from your list who feels the safest. Imagine being in a comfortable room with him. He is there for you, completely engaged and ready to listen. Keep breathing. Now tell him what it is like for you being a man. Don’t edit. He will not judge you.

Watch as he listens to you, empathizing with you. When you are done, see if he has anything to say to you or not. When you are ready slowly open your eyes and breathe. Take your time. How do you feel? Write it down.

3. Breathe. This cannot be emphasized enough. You may have judgments and criticisms come up as you’ve been reading. That’s fine. Breathe into them and see what happens. Your breath can give you so much insight.

How will doing these exercises help me?

You may feel as though you have no resources for discussing your trauma. This is the case for many men. These exercises are steps towards a dialogue you may not be ready to have in person.

When you see that you have the courage to speak your truth in your mind’s eye, you are that much closer to being able to do it in real time.

But…

“Aren’t men supposed to be able to deal with anything that comes? Aren’t we just wired differently?�

Society has granted a small palate of emotions for men that are generally accepted. In most cases it’s not ok for men to express rage, sorrow, grief or fear. When we are small children our caretakers empathetically meet our tears. When we reach a certain age emoting can be seen as weak.

You may be stifling your emotions because you think you have to, that there is no other choice.

“What do you mean? Are you saying that showing your emotions is masculine?�

Being able to feel the full range of the human experience is your birthright. To be able to “unlearn� your definitions of what is masculine will give you the ability to live your life without embarrassment.

It will give you permission to be yourself without compromising your integrity.

“I feel as though the abuse has stripped me of my masculinity. It’s made me confused about my sexuality.�

Parts of you that get lost during sexual abuse can be reclaimed again. There can be identity crisis around sexual preference, intimacy, compulsive behavior around sex and/or rejecting sex altogether.

By slowing down and relating to who you essentially are you get an integrated picture of both your trauma and your current experiences. This takes the place of trying to fit yourself into a box in order to feel safe and accepted by others.

Back to Gary

When Gary first did the writing exercise he found that he only had one male on his list that he felt comfortable talking to: Phillip, his best friend from childhood.

Besides the fact that he felt awkward having a discussion with Phillip in his head, he breathed slowly which helped him relax. When he was done speaking, Phillip smiled and said he understood. In that moment Gary felt that he was acknowledged for the first time around his masculinity and the confusion he felt.

In a Nutshell…

True Masculinity is not difficult to achieve. It is however, different than what you were taught on the playground. It is not survival of the fittest. To be able to feel your emotions thoroughly, use your critical thinking skills and be honest with yourself and others about who you are is the goal.

To be able to have a sense of humor in the process is essential as well.

You can use the writing and visualization exercises to uncover your thoughts and feelings around masculinity. Remember, this is your experience. There’s no one telling you that you are dong it right or wrong.

Keep breathing. Breath is the gateway to understanding feeling states.

What’s Next?

If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter at    

My name is Seth Lepore. I am an Intuitve Counselor who works with Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse. You can sign up for my free newsletter at    . You can reach me directly at seth(at)   om .