Growing up with family dysfunction such as alcoholism, parental neglect or abuse, profoundly affects our ability to trust or to be intimate with others. When abused as children, it becomes extremely difficult to be vulnerable in our adult relationships. Trust becomes a major issue, as does the fear of being disappointed, hurt or betrayed by those we love most. Yet if we are unable to trust, how can we let others get close to us?

Intimacy is something that we all desire. Yet true intimacy can only take place if we are willing to take the risk of revealing who we really are to those closest to us, our thoughts, feelings and our basic emotional needs. Without communication or trust, healthy intimacy is not possible.

In dysfunctional families, individuals are not encouraged to talk about the real issues. Nor are they encouraged to express how they feel. When children are repeatedly exposed to trauma and not allowed to talk about it, rather than feel completely overwhelmed by their emotions, they eventually go numb.

They also learn not to trust, as those whom they should be able to depend on are often their greatest source of physical harm or emotional pain.Fear of abandonment is a major issue for adult children of alcoholics. Feeling loved one minute and rejected the next, never experiencing what it is like to feel on solid ground or secure in your own parents’ love, makes it extremely difficult to develop healthy self-love. Fear of abandonment affects an individual’s ability to be confident in relationships. It then becomes hard to initiate relationships, and equally hard to dissolve relationships that are unhealthy.

Psychotherapy provides a safe environment and the necessary tools to help individuals and couples resolve their issues concerning intimacy and self-love. In a therapeutic environment where you feel accepted and understood, your capacity for intimacy and self-acceptance can thrive and grow. Having experienced the safety of being emotionally open in a therapeutic relationship, individuals can learn to be more open outside of therapy, resulting in rewarding and fulfilling relationships.

Divorce Can Bring Up Profound Abandonment Issues from the Past
Divorce can feel like the ultimate rejection. Although dealing with rejection is difficult for most individuals, for those adults who already have profound issues around abandonment from their pasts, divorce can be particularly difficult. For individuals from such a background, when their partner unexpectedly asks for a divorce, it can feel like the rug has just been pulled right out from under them. They may find themselves reeling back in time to emotionally re-experience all the intense feelings of abandonment and rejection from their own pasts.

Traumatic childhood losses can include the early loss of a parent through abandonment, divorce or death, or being placed in foster care or put up for adoption. When children are abandoned, they go into a terror state because they know they cannot survive without an adult to take care of them. If they later experience divorce or the death of a loved one as an adult, not only will they experience all the usual feelings of anger, sadness and loss that accompany such a life event, they will also re-experience the original feelings of fear, hurt and rage with the same intensity that accompanied their original abandonment as children. This experience can be totally overwhelming and emotionally devastating for the individual who goes through it. Like a child who is abandoned, they may feel like they want to die, or that they can’t go on living without the parent or partner’s love. They may go into a major depression, feel unable to go to work or to stop crying.

If you are an individual with major abandonment issues, you may require a lot of support while going through the divorce process. Support can come from divorce support groups and seminars or from family and friends. If you find yourself feeling very tearful, afraid, or depressed, it may be a good idea to seek out professional help in the form of counseling. Psychotherapy can provide a safe emotional environment to help both adults and children deal with the issues of abandonment and loss surrounding divorce. It can put things in perspective by helping individuals understand the connections between their pasts and their present. Counseling helps you work through the different emotional states that are part of the divorce process, so that you can rebuild your life